By Julia Allen for Possibilities Psychological Services
Published on Linkedin: 2.05pm AEST, 22/12/2024
1. Understanding Why Holidays Are Challenging for Neurodivergent Individuals
Holidays are a sensory and social rollercoaster. For neurodivergent individuals, they often present a perfect storm of overstimulation, disrupted routines, and social demands that can quickly drain emotional and physical resources.
Let’s break it down:
● Sensory Overload: The flashing lights, constant music, rich smells, and bustling environments can overwhelm a brain that already processes sensory input differently.
● Social Exhaustion: The pressure to engage in small talk, navigate family dynamics, and meet social expectations often leads to fatigue or burnout.
● Disrupted Routines: The holidays throw off the predictability that many neurodivergent people rely on to feel grounded, which can increase anxiety and stress.
These challenges are not signs of personal failure. They’re natural responses to intense environments. Recognizing this empowers you to prepare and advocate for your needs during the holiday chaos.
2. Pre-Holiday Prep: Setting Yourself Up for Success
Know Your Limits and Plan Accordingly
Neurodivergent individuals often operate with finite energy reserves, commonly described using the spoon theory (Miserandino, 2013): each task or interaction requires a “spoon,” and when you run out, you’re done.A modified version of spoon theory in neurodivergency is thinking about it like a drawer of spoons that serve different functions. Varying by person, someone may have very limited focus spoons, but buckets of energy spoons, or social spoons but limited sensory spoons.
Holidays tend to demand a lot of spoons, so planning ahead is key.
● Decide which events and activities align with your energy capacity, and individual needs.
● Declining invitations is okay. A simple, “Thank you, but I can’t make it this year,” is polite and firm.
Conserving energy allows you to focus on what truly matters to you during the season.
Communicate Your Boundaries
Boundaries are a form of self-care, especially in socially intense settings. Setting expectations with friends and family ahead of time can reduce anxiety. For example:
● “I might need to step outside for a breather if it gets too loud.”
● “I’ll bring my own food to make things easier for me.”
Having these conversations before the event can prevent awkwardness and help others understand your needs.
Build a Holiday Survival Kit
Prepare for challenges by creating a kit that meets your sensory and emotional needs. Consider including:
● Noise-canceling headphones for loud environments.
● Fidget tools for grounding during conversations.
● Safe food choices.
● A plan for locating or creating a sensory-safe space where you can recharge.
Preparation reduces decision fatigue and provides a safety net during stressful moments.
3. Navigating Social Overwhelm: Managing Family Gatherings
Understanding Social Fatigue and the Role of Masking
For neurodivergent individuals, masking, suppressing natural responses to as an adaption to manage and deal with social difficulties (Lai & Szatmari, 2019); can be both a survival mechanism and a significant drain on energy. Research tells us that it often comes at the cost of personal wellbeing, and increases exhaustion, stress and anxiety, and risk of burnout (Hull et al., 2017, Livingston et al., 2019). Family gatherings, with their social expectations and pressure to “be on,” often amplify this.
Recognizing the signs of masking fatigue is crucial. If you find yourself feeling overly drained, irritable, or detached, it’s a sign you may be expending too much energy trying to conform. Setting boundaries around how much time you spend engaging socially can help preserve your emotional resources.
Setting Boundaries Around Social Interaction
Boundaries aren’t selfish. They’re essential for your well-being. Here’s how to set and communicate them effectively:
● Limit Your Time: “I’d love to come for dinner, but I’ll need to head out by 8 PM.” This lets you participate without overcommitting.
● Excuse Yourself as Needed: Give yourself permission to step away from conversations if they become overwhelming. “I’m just going to step outside for some fresh air” is simple and effective.
● Be Honest When You Can: If you’re close with family or friends, it’s okay to say, “Socializing is a bit draining for me, so I may need some quiet time during the evening.”
Boundaries are not about shutting people out. They’re about making space for your needs within the interaction.
Managing the Pressures of Gift-Giving and Receiving
The social dynamics of giving and receiving gifts can feel fraught with unspoken expectations and pressure. For neurodivergent individuals, this can add another layer of stress to family gatherings.
● When Giving Gifts: Simplify the process by choosing practical or universal items (e.g., gift cards, books, or consumables like coffee or snacks). If you’re worried about the “right” choice, remind yourself that the thought behind the gift matters most.
● When Receiving Gifts: Receiving gifts can feel uncomfortable, especially when emotions or reactions are expected. If masking gratitude feels draining, practice a neutral script ahead of time: “Thank you so much! I really appreciate this.” This avoids the pressure of performing while still showing appreciation.
Set boundaries around gift exchanges if they feel overwhelming. For example, suggest alternatives like a group gift or a no-gift policy.
Balancing Your Energy Around Family Dynamics
Family gatherings often come with unspoken rules, complex relationships, and the expectation to meet others’ emotional needs. This can feel exhausting if you’re already masking or navigating sensory overwhelm.
● Recognize when your energy is depleting. Signs include zoning out, irritation, or struggling to stay present.
● Take proactive breaks: “I’m just going to grab some water” or “Excuse me for a moment” creates space to reset.
● Know when to exit: If your energy is too low to continue masking, it’s okay to leave earlier than planned. Politely say, “I had a lovely time, but I need to head out now.”
By acknowledging your energy limits, prioritizing boundaries, and simplifying gift exchanges, you can navigate family gatherings in a way that feels more manageable and far less draining.
4. Sensory Overload: Coping Mechanisms
The Science of Sensory Overload
For neurodivergent individuals, the brain often processes sensory input more intensely, and sensory processing differences are very common. (Patil & Kaple, 2023). This heightened sensitivity means that environments filled with bright lights, loud music, or strong smells can quickly lead to overstimulation.When sensory input exceeds our current ability to process and cope with the stimuli, our mental and physical health can suffer. This makes it harder to regulate and cope with the rest of the holiday experience.
Practical Tools for Managing Sensory Input
● Noise: Use decibel reducing earplugs or noise-canceling headphones to block out excessive sound.
● Lighting: Wear sunglasses or position yourself away from bright or flashing lights.
● Textures: Dress in comfortable, familiar clothing that doesn’t cause discomfort, even if it’s not the most “festive.”
Recovery After Overload
After exposure to intense sensory environments, the nervous system benefits from grounding and calming activities. Try:
● Deep breathing exercises.
● Weighted blankets or pressure-stimulating items.
● Engaging in a low-sensory activity like reading or listening to calming music.
5. Maintaining Routines Where Possible
Why Routines Matter
A voluntary, chosen routine is something that provides many neurodivergent folks a sense of control, predictability, and stability in their lives. Routines reduce cognitive load, and provide structured, expected choice. Abrupt and even expected change to routine can increase stress and heighten the impact of social expectations and narratives (Stark et al., 2021). During the holidays, even partial routines can act as an emotional anchor.
Strategies for Routine Maintenance
● Preserve Key Habits: Maintain essential routines like your morning coffee, daily walks, or bedtime rituals. These small acts can provide a sense of normalcy.
● Adapt Routines: Create simplified versions of your routine to fit holiday disruptions, such as a shorter workout or a quick journaling session.
● Use Reminders: Timers or alarms can help ensure you don’t forget important self-care tasks like eating or taking medication.
Creating Personal Traditions
If traditional celebrations disrupt your rhythm, create your own rituals. A solo movie night, baking cookies your way, or a favorite game can offer joy and consistency.
6. Aftermath and Recovery: The Post-Holiday Recharge
The Importance of Decompression
Holiday events deplete physical and emotional energy, making recovery essential. Build in buffer days to rest and engage in sensory-friendly activities like:
● A quiet day alone.
● A favorite comfort show or hobby.
● Returning to routines that help you feel grounded.
Reflect and Learn
Evaluate your holiday experiences with these questions:
● What strategies worked well?
● What would you change next time?
Use this reflection to prepare for future holidays with more confidence.
7. Redefining the Holidays on Your Terms
Holidays don’t have to follow a traditional script. For neurodivergent individuals, celebrating in ways that respect your needs is not only valid, it’s essential.
By understanding your unique challenges, setting boundaries, and advocating for yourself, you can redefine the holidays to suit you. Whether that means embracing the festivities in full or opting for a quieter season, remember: your well-being comes first.
Happy surviving and thriving this holiday season!
References
Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., & Mandy, W. (2017). “Putting on My Best Normal”: Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519–2534. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5
Lai, M.-C., & Szatmari, P. (2019). Resilience in autism: Research and practice prospects. Autism, 23(3), 539–541. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361319842964
Livingston, L. A., Shah, P., & Happé, F. (2019). Compensatory strategies below the behavioural surface in autism: a qualitative study. The Lancet Psychiatry, 6(9), 766–777. https://doi.org/10.1016/s2215-0366(19)30224-x
Miserandino, C. (2013). The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino – But You Dont Look Sick? support for those with invisible illness or chronic illness. But You Dont Look Sick? Support for Those with Invisible Illness or Chronic Illness. https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
Patil, O., & Kaple, M. (2023). Sensory processing differences in individuals with autism spectrum disorder: A narrative review of underlying mechanisms and sensory-based interventions. Cureus, 15(10). https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.48020
Stark, E., Stacey, J., Mandy, W., Kringelbach, M. L., & Happé, F. (2021). Autistic Cognition: Charting Routes to Anxiety. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 25(7). https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2021.03.014
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Chiu Lau is a Psychologist at Possibilities Psychological Services, an Australia-wide online therapy provider. Since 2003, she has developed expertise in the management of mental health, trauma, chronic fatigue, autism & related neurodevelopmental differences, learning & intellectual disabilities, rare genetic conditions, carer & sibling mental health support, and gender questioning & gender diverse presentations.
Recognising the challenges associated with navigating various intervention and mental health provider options, Chiu invites you to book a complimentary 20-minute chat to explore your options and possibilities here.