By Chiu Lau, Psychologist & Founder of Possibilities Psychological Services
Parenting a child with a PDA (Pervasive Drive for Autonomy, formerly known as Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile can feel like walking a tightrope. Everyday requests such as brushing teeth, putting on shoes, or doing homework can quickly turn into shutdowns, meltdowns, or power struggles. To the outside world, this may look like “defiance.” For PDA kids, it is rarely about being difficult for the sake of it. Instead, it is about survival.
PDA and the Nervous System
PDA is increasingly recognised as a distinct profile within autism. In PDA, demands, even small ones, even ones initiated by themselves, are often experienced as threats to autonomy and safety. Research shows that PDA involves heightened anxiety, difficulty tolerating uncertainty, and a strong need for control to manage overwhelming feelings (O’Nions et al., 2014; Newson, Le Maréchal & David, 2003).
When demands are placed, the PDA child’s nervous system may react as if danger is right around the corner. Their response is not about stubbornness. It is often a “can’t” rather than a “won’t.” This shift in understanding is vital for parents, educators and health providers. Instead of pushing harder with more demands or consequences, the more effective and compassionate approach is to reduce perceived threat, build trust, and co-regulate.
Connection Before Compliance
A trauma-informed, relational approach reminds us that connection always comes first. Before a PDA child can take guidance, they need to feel safe, respected, and understood. Predictability, empathy, and genuine curiosity help repair trust and open the door to collaboration.
Strategies that often help include:
- Low-demand days to give space for the nervous systems to reset.
- Invitations instead of instructions. For example, “Would you like to choose a snack for our adventure?”
- Collaborative problem-solving that honours the child’s need for autonomy.
- Empathy instead of enforcement. Acknowledge how hard things feel before trying to move forward.
Research backs this up. A 2021 study found that parents who focused on connection rather than compliance reported fewer conflicts and closer bonds with their PDA children (Green et al., 2021). Relationships really do regulate and heal.
The Parent’s Nervous System Matters Too
Parenting a PDA child is rewarding and full of unique joy. It can also be incredibly confronting and draining. Many parents describe feeling like they are constantly on alert, walking on eggshells, or carrying years of accumulated stress. This can lead to exhaustion, hypervigilance, or even vicarious trauma.
When your child is dysregulated and your own nervous system goes into fight, flight, or freeze, it becomes almost impossible to co-regulate. Supporting yourself is not optional. It is essential.
Approaches such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) therapy can help parents process the distress of repeated stressful moments, release survival responses that have been “stuck,” and rebuild the capacity to stay grounded. One parent in a PDA research project reflected, “When I am calmer, my child feels safer and things go better for both of us” (Gillberg et al., 2020).
Looking after yourself is not selfish. It is part of looking after your child.
The Role of Humour and Playfulness
One of the most powerful yet underused tools for supporting PDA children is humour. Playfulness can ease tension, defuse stand-offs, and invite children back into connection. When used thoughtfully, humour offers a reset for both parent and child. It helps shift the focus away from pressure and towards shared creativity.
For example:
- A toothbrush that “goes on strike” and hides under the bed.
- Homework that pretends to be “homesick” and wants to return to school.
- A shirt that begs to go on an adventure.
Humour works because it lowers perceived threat. It lets the child know that safety and connection are more important than compliance. Importantly, humour should never be sarcastic, passive-aggressive or dismissive. It should never make fun of genuine distress. The aim is not to trick a child into doing something but to show them that you are on their side.
When children feel safe enough to laugh with you, they are also more likely to trust you.
Strengths-Based Parenting for PDA
It can be easy to focus only on the challenges of parenting a PDA child. Yet children with this profile often bring incredible creativity, sharp humour, empathy, and an ability to see the world differently. These are strengths that deserve celebrating.
Practical tips for strengths-based parenting include:
- Celebrate creativity, even when it shows up in unusual ways.
- Build flexibility into routines to ease pressure.
- Use humour as a bridge to connection.
- I often like to express appreciation for the child’s ability to negotiate, even if it ages me a couple of years each time they do it.
- Prioritise your own support through therapy, peer groups, or trauma-informed care.
By focusing on strengths and meeting children where they are, parents create conditions for their children not only to manage but to thrive.
Final Thoughts
PDA kids are not giving parents a hard time. They are having a hard time. When we meet them with curiosity, compassion, and humour, we transform struggles into opportunities for connection.
Supporting a PDA child is not about controlling behaviour or winning compliance. It is about creating safety for both the child and the parent, and finding joy in the relationship again. The journey can be challenging, but it is also deeply worthwhile.
Relationships regulate. Relationships heal. And sometimes, a little playfulness makes all the difference.
References
Gillberg, C., Gillberg, I. C., Thompson, L., Biskupsto, R., & Billstedt, E. (2015). Extreme (“pathological”) demand avoidance in autism: a general population study in the Faroe Islands. European child & adolescent psychiatry, 24(8), 979–984. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00787-014-0647-3
Green, J., Absoud, M., Grahame, V., Malik, O., Simonoff, E., Le Couteur, A., & Baird, G. (2018). Pathological Demand Avoidance: symptoms but not a syndrome. The Lancet. Child & adolescent health, 2(6), 455–464. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2352-4642(18)30044-0
Newson, E., Le Maréchal, K., & David, C. (2003). Pathological demand avoidance syndrome: a necessary distinction within the pervasive developmental disorders. Archives of disease in childhood, 88(7), 595–600. https://doi.org/10.1136/adc.88.7.595
O’Nions, E., Christie, P., Gould, J., Viding, E., & Happé, F. (2014). Development of the ‘Extreme Demand Avoidance Questionnaire’ (EDA-Q): preliminary observations on a trait measure for Pathological Demand Avoidance. Journal of child psychology and psychiatry, and allied disciplines, 55(7), 758–768. https://doi.org/10.1111/jcpp.12149
_________________________________________________
Chiu Lau is a neurodivergent Psychologist with an invisible disability. She is also the founder of Possibilities Psychological Services, an Australia-wide online therapy provider. Since 2003, Chiu has developed expertise in the management of mental health, trauma, invisible disabilities, neurodivergence (including autism, ADHD, PDA, learning & intellectual disabilities), rare genetic conditions, carer & sibling mental health support, and gender diverse presentations.
Recognising the challenges associated with navigating various intervention and mental health provider options, Chiu invites you to book a complimentary 20-minute discovery call to explore your options and possibilities here.