By Chiu Lau for Possibilities Psychological Services
Published for Linkedin: 07/04/2015, Updated: 2.25 pm AEST, 25/07/2024
Parents often ask me for advice on when and how to tell their child they have an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) diagnosis. Parents will usually have a sense of when it is time to disclose. More often than not, it is typically around the early primary school years when the children realise they are very different from their peers. You will know it is time to share that they are autistic because knowing about their neuro-type will help them much more than it would hinder them.
The “how” of breaking it to young children is usually not so simple, as there are several considerations, such as expressive and receptive language capacity, their current relationship with peers, their self-esteem, and their exposure to trusted adults who are also “different” from others.
However, here are 5 steps you may consider for your young child:
Step 1: Involve your child’s therapist
Making preparations before disclosure is usually helpful. Working with your child’s allied health therapist for guidance can assist you in developing a clearer idea of how the conversation could go. Anticipate your child’s unique needs, for example, would they benefit from reading a social story or watching a video before disclosure? Develop a plan and stay calm.
Step 2: Recruit some helpers to normalise strengths and challenges
These helpers (trusted adults or peers your child likes) will need to have some strengths (fortunately, most people do!) and examples of certain challenges. The goal of this exercise is to help your child see that everyone has stuff that they are good and not so good at.
Examples of strengths your helpers would share could be related to their skills; such as spelling, drawing, playing soccer, organising things, or telling jokes. Other strengths could be values such as kindness, intelligence, bravery, or helpfulness. Make sure to include traits and skills your child can relate to or appreciate.
The ‘Challenges’ section should reflect difficulties that your child is also experiencing, such as problems with reading, kicking a ball, eating certain foods, understanding when someone is upset or making new friends. Ask the helpers to list things they struggled with when they were younger, especially in a school or social setting. In sessions, I would disclose to my child clients that I have a learning disability called dyscalculia, which normalises the academic-related difficulties they may have. I also share that I struggle with being patient sometimes, especially when waiting at the traffic lights. Very often, children feel more comfortable sharing vulnerabilities when they sense their adults will understand.
Tell your child that you have a great idea and that you could make a book together. In this book, they can draw or stick a photo of each helper, and then make a list of all their strengths and weaknesses. Invite your child to add a page for themselves too.
Step 3: Prepare an accurate and affirming description of autism
Keep your description short, focused on how being autistic means having a different type of brain that can do things in a way most brains cannot. Being affirming means ensuring you are not accidentally telling your child that there is something wrong or bad with being autistic. Keep in mind your child’s attention span and their receptive and expressive language abilities too. Utilising Steps 1 and 2, you would by now have a social story or a visual reference of some sort ready. If you can find a book or movie about a child with autism (make sure it’s uplifting. Skip Rain Man, please), that is even better! Including a list of autistic people who have done cool or interesting things can work well too.
Tip: The creator of Pokemon is autistic, so was the original game developer for Minecraft
Step 4: Timing is essential
Pick a time when they’re feeling nice and relaxed (certainly not after you have yelled at them for the 5th time to go to sleep). Invite them to sit down with you and ask them if they would still like to know why they’re different. If they say yes, start with “First of all, you’re different from your friends because I love you, and I only like them” (this will put a smile on their faces).
Show them what you have prepared. Say “You know, everyone is different in some way. No one is exactly the same. You are different because you have a different type of brain. Scientists call it the ‘autistic brain’. Not everyone who is autistic will behave or think the same way but your brain type helps you and other autists to see the world differently.
Allow them to ask you questions and offer information via the “drip method”, meaning, drip them little pieces of information each time they ask a question about autism, making sure to give them time to process and clarify.
Step 5: Tell them that being autistic is only one part of their identity
Let your child know that even though they are autistic, there are lots and lots of other things that make them unique as well. Reference your helpers from Step 2 and reiterate how they each have their strengths and weaknesses. Go through the list of important people with autism who have done amazing things for the world, reinforcing that autism may be an important part of their identity but it does not define who they are as unique individuals.
Conclusion
Disclosing an ASD diagnosis in an age-appropriate, affirming and unemotional manner increases a young child’s ability to understand their brain type. As they age, they will be ready to receive more in-depth information about autism, such as their sensory profile and socialisation preferences. They will also start to reflect on ways autism plays a part in their lives, perhaps becoming more motivated to self-accommodate and advocate. Learning about their autistic identity as a family can also support acceptance, normalisation, and validation.
_________________________________________________________________________
Chiu Lau is a Psychologist at Possibilities Psychological Services, an Australia-wide online therapy provider. Since 2003, she has developed expertise in the management of mental health, chronic fatigue, autism & related neurodevelopmental differences, learning & intellectual disabilities, rare genetic conditions, carer & sibling mental health support, and gender questioning & gender diverse presentations.
Recognising the challenges associated with navigating various intervention and mental health provider options, Chiu invites you to book a complimentary 20-minute chat to explore your options and possibilities here.